I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
