Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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