I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
