Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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