I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it was like eating out sand paper
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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