Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
