the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I will be naked everywhere
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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