I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
