you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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