New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
