I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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