I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i think i just lost a toe
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
