I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
