he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
