I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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