I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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