you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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