he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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