i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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