The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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