I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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