I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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