Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
