I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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