Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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