I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
