if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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