I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
