i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
