The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
