My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
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