Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
They are going to name an STD after you.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
