I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
