Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
