Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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