Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
