I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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