I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
