guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I need to calm my uterus...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
