Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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