tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
