Just fell off a train. Bad.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
