Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
