The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
