my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
