so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
There's even glitter on my cock...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
