So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
