Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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