i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Lo siento on account of my penis...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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