When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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